How To Lose A Subscriber In 10 Days

From The Writer’s Desk #7

“Dear Amanda,

I’ve lost a subscriber and I don’t know why. What went wrong?”

Hi. I’m Amandie Anderson, your “How to” girl for the day. Or for the evening. Or for whichever time you’re reading this. And today, I’ll be showing you how to lose a Substack Subscriber in ten days.

On this piece, I will show you how I lost the love of my life, that one subscriber that I adored, that I considered to be almost like a personal friend. A FAMILY MEMBER.

But you know what they say, It’s better to have loved and lost, than never to have loved at all.

Or is it?

Here’s how it went:

DAY 1: I TOOK DOWN OR RESTRICTED ACCESS TO THE CONTENT THAT ORIGINALLY ATTRACTED MY SUBSCRIBERS.

Yeeeah. That’s right. Do you know that one piece that you guys love about “How to be Substack Famous”? Or that very important one about mental health and aesthetics? Paywalled it. In fact, all my previous posts were paywalled for day one. You can’t sit with us anymore. For the day. All the meaningful and beautiful comments that my loved subscriber used to write, full of insights and the passion of someone who just wants to have a real conversation for once? Restricted. Gone.

Here’s why I wouldn’t recommend this:

As much as I would LOVE to make a career here, and to make this my 9-5, and as much as there are paid subscribers that are helping me to do so, there are still free subscribers who need content as well. They’ve helped me get here, they’ve helped me get my support system. A restack counts, a comment counts and even a single like counts. And also, I’ve been there. Many of you don’t have the monthly amount that the paid subscription requires, and that is totally okay! I find either form of support beautiful, and all the other writers should, too. It’s the intention that counts.

DAY 2: I STOPPED INTERACTING WITH MY SUBSCRIBER

I stopped replying to notes, comments, mentions, everything. Not even liking the comments. Nothing of that sort. Not replying to the DMS, not following my subscriber back, not caring to see their work, nothing.

Here’s why my subscriber’s perception of me started to change:

Well, if you know me, you know that i’m a people’s prin- Nope, sorry, that’s actually my best friend, Sarah. I’m a people’s person! I love interacting with people, getting to know them, and I truly hope they come back to my newsletter every Sunday, so that we can truly have a big friend group on the comments section, the way the substack Gods intended.

But it’s completely okay if that’s not your reality!

Some people get overwhelmed by comments ,or don’t necessarily have the time to reply to them, but it’s a fact that, by never replying, you won’t be able to foster any kind of connection with your subscribers. They won’t feel the appeal to come back and read your writing. Not as much, at least.

I always like to think of my subscribers as my friends, and it’s always nice to have a friend’s support! You will never make these types of friendships without having a connection first.

DAY 3: I STARTED TO DICTATE WHAT ONE SHOULD OR SHOULDN’T WRITE ABOUT.

I started making posts and notes about how you can’t call yourself a writer, or a *true* writer, as they say, if you make rants, talk about your favorite things, or even make listicles. I started posting about how typos and grammar mistakes were not allowed, and I started to basically dictate what should be posted and what shouldn’t.

Here’s why that made my perfect subscriber lose confidence in me:

Writing is one of the oldest forms of self expression.

And it has been with us throughout our whole lives! I believe almost everyone had a journal or a diary, even as a kid. It’s a great way for us to get to know ourselves, a way to get to know the most intimate parts of our core.

It’s a wonderful thing, to be able to share your writing. Substack is different from the hostile environment of magazine publishers, you get different feedbacks, different reactions to your work. That’s because Substack is a social media platform. I know it’s classified as “news” when you look at your App Store, but it’s turning into a social media platform, and it’s about to be even more social media-y, with the new audio/video features. And every social media platform has their professional creators, but they also have people who are there to have fun! Substack is no different. That’s why you drive people away when you start dictating what they should or shouldn’t write about. Total red flag.

DAY 4: I STARTED POSTING WAY TOO MANY ADS (Controversial!)

I started to turn my page into the opening scene of many independent movies: ADS! ADS! ADS! Ads for a podcast, Ads for you to upgrade your subscription, Ads for a group subscription discount. ADS! ADS! ADS!

Here’s why my subscriber got tired of me:

Alright, I understand that you have to promote your work, but when you’re all ads, no content, it becomes truly unbearable. People (Including that one loyal subscriber who’s still standing, even after four days have gone by) will eventually think that all you post are Ads. Ads for content that it isn’t even out yet, Ads for anything, truly. People are bombarded with advertisements every single day that they’re alive on this earth, especially on social media. Your Ad is probably the millionth one they’re seeing just today. People are tired. I was just watching the VMAs the other day, and there were so many commercial breaks and so little… VMAS that I fell asleep! And it made me lose THE medieval themed Chappell Roan performance. And don’t even get me started on the Walmart+ commercials. If huge books like ‘A little life’ had pages filled with commercials, would you still read them?

Me coming to you with ANOTHER Ad. #Sponsored #WordlePartner

DAY 5: I STARTED COPYING EVERYTHING THE OTHER CREATORS WERE DOING

Sarah Cucchiara made a post in a CONCERT format? Copied that. Postcards by Elle made a beautiful post about short book recommendations? Copied that. Word for word. Same pictures, everything. Copied. Pasted. Posted.

Here’s why it made my subscriber lose their faith in my originality:

Okay, day 5. You need to be DRASTIC. Let’s play a game of ‘Bullshit’.

And what screams drastic more than copying other creators, word for word? If you want to lose a subscriber, that’s totally the way. Despite being a really famous app, Substack can feel like a big friend group. The writers are like this: *i’m crossing my fingers in a very exaggerated way*. I guess being undervalued and underpaid really makes people unionize, and writers are no different. Recently, Substack writers have been playing a game of ‘Bullshit’ with each other 24/7. And if you think that people won’t find out that you’ve been viciously copying them or their friends, you’re completely wrong. Ouch. There’s your subscriber sprinting away from you, Paul Mescal style.

“I’m the most original creator on Substack!” “I say… BULLSHIT.”

DAY 6: I STARTED TO LIE. LIES! LIES! LIZA MINNELLI!

I started to lie. Simple as that. Lie about personal experiences to seem cooler, lie about my heros and whatnot just to fit on trends.

Here’s why my subscriber felt like a clown:

Do you think that just because people can’t see your face, they can’t tell that you’re pulling a Donald Trump at the 2024 presidential debate? Lying to people goes way beyond micro expressions, bėbė. Sure, I can definitely say that my name is Princess Sofia and I’m from the land of Krulls, but many people have been to this rodeo before. When you feel someone’s being truthful and sincere, it automatically makes them a far better writer. Lying to fit in a certain group or to fit a certain narrative is NOT it. And do you know what’s even worse? Day seven.

But I’m SO JOAN DIDION PATTI SMITH CORE!!! I AM!! (Someone who never read them before).

DAY 7: I STARTED TO GIVE MISLEADING, FALSE INFORMATION ABOUT PUBLIC FIGURES.

I started to propagate the falsest info you could ever get. Think of the most insane thing you can ever imagine someone do. Now, think about a public figure. I started to write posts about that. “Look, guys, she/he/they did this!!!!!!”.

Here’s why it made my subscriber suggest subscriber- creator couples therapy:

First of all, excuse me?! We’re getting criminal, now. Unprovoked, uncalled for, and unethical. Boo. And besides, some people are still falling for the trap of fake news and deepfakes, because the AI used to fabricate them is getting better and better. So, if you’re doing this without any context, just to attract people, please stop. You won’t. And if you do attract people, you're definitely attracting the wrong kind.

Us at the Substack Creator/ Reader Couples Therapy.

DAY 8: I STARTED TO CLICKBAIT HARD.

I started posting titles like “My thoughts on the new Rihanna album”, or “Amanda from Certified is seen holding hands with both Mike Faist and Josh O’Connor!” just to see millions of people clicking, engaging with my post, and HATING me afterwards.

Here’s why my subscriber wanted to throw heavy objects at me:

There isn’t something that makes me more angry than clickbait. Loathe it. I’ll admit that there are some funny ones, but out of context ones make me want to not have Wi-Fi anymore. Clickbait is lame, the feeling you get when you realize you’ve fallen for the clickbait is lame. Everything about clickbait pisses me off.

Me after making you fall for dozens of Clickbait titles:

DAY 9: I STARTED HATE TRAINS AND I INCITED RIVALRY BETWEEN WRITERS

I started a hate train. No! Even better! I started a hate train ‘just because’. I called people to collectively hate someone just because I don’t like that person. And I also incited rivalry between writers on my notes and on my posts.

Here’s why my subscriber felt like it was time for us to take a break:

Hate trains? Seriously? I’m not even going to talk about the effects that hate trains cause on the affected person’s mental health. This is serious stuff! Asking people to collectively offend and bully someone? Just because? And inciting rivalry between writers that was NEVER a thing, also just because? Messed up. And unfortunately, that’s not far from reality! Some people just love to foster a hostile and negative environment. That’s a perfect way of losing a subscriber!

You & Me having a singing battle after I posted a hate train post:

DAY 10: I SAID HURTFUL THINGS DISGUISED AS ‘HOT TAKES’.

I’ve said the most outrageous, unhinged things on my posts and on my notes and put “Hot take!” afterwards, so that way I could be ‘free from judgement.’

Here’s why that made my subscriber want to break up with me immediately, no buts:

I’ve actually talked about this before, because it’s something that I see a lot here. Just because you *feel* like you should say everything that you can ( El*n M*sk’s freedom of speech core), doesn’t mean you *actually* should. I mean, you can’t. I’ve seen literal crimes being committed on a single Substack note. And you say that’s a “hot take”? No, there’s another name for that.

Not only will your faithful subscriber unsubscribe, they will block and report you. As they should.

And that, my friends, is how you lose a subscriber in 10 days.

And that’s also how to do your debut in the writing world as a nasty individual! Two in one, just for you.

Certified. Is brought to you by Marleny, Mark, and Sydney C.