“Paris Is Burning” And My Never Ending Search For Self Expression As a Writer
From The Writer’s Desk #1
[Excerpt from my journal at the time - 16 years old]
“Friday
I watched a documentary my friend Daniel said i should watch, called “Paris is Burning” . Dear diary, i don’t think i’ll ever be the same again. I want to dance like them and i cried because i don’t want them to suffer.”
Daniel was one of my best friends at that age. Sixteen. The fucking worst years you can have as a girl. Did you all know who you were and what you wanted at 16? Because i didn’t. Still don’t..
Daniel did.
And i envied him so much for that, as he walked through school halls so confidently with his pink hair and an all jeans backpack full of Rosa Parks pins and Civil Rights Movement patches. Just the coolest.
I didn’t understand the concept of sexuality, but i knew he was different than the other boys. And i liked that so much that i didn’t notice no one else did. Well, catholic school.
One day, he came back from the principal’s office ( his usual spot) and he was crying so hard, something in him had changed. I then asked him what was going on and so we talked during the entire class about his issues and how he couldn’t be himself and then, he recommended me this masterpiece.
“Watch it, you’ll know how i feel.”
A short while after that, he dyed his beautiful pink hair brown, left school and we never spoke again… But this documentary stayed in my life forever. And i’m here to tell you about it.
Paris is Burning is a beautiful documentary made by Jennie Livingston, and it focuses on drag queens living in New York City and the “house” culture they created to support each other, providing a sense of community and support for those who were marginalized and rejected by society at that time. The title takes its name from the ‘Paris Is Burning’ ball held every year by artist Paris Dupree who appears in the doc.
In “house” culture, a number of groups from each house compete in elaborate balls that take cues from the world of fashion. Queens would dress up as rich housewives, with fur coats and as ballet dancers with pointy shoes, whoever they wanted to be, so they could experience being a part of a certain group they were restricted from belonging. Gay men also competed in some categories so no one was ever left aside. Everyone would get a chance and the opportunity to exist in mainstream culture. And the balls would go on and on.
The contestants were judged on criteria including their:
•Dance talents ( and some voguing; i promise to make an article about that)
•Precision of the making of their clothes + the esthetics
•The "realness" of their drag - i.e., their ability to pass as a member of the stereotype, gender, or sex they are portraying.
I just thought it was the most beautiful thing in the world, all of their perfectly sewed garments and their makeup and the wigs. How much effort everyone putted into every little detail. The rivalry between the houses made me so mesmerized and i thought:
“ Why doesn’t anyone talk about this?”
And then, unfortunately, i knew.
Behind the beautiful clothes and all the dancing, the "houses" would be like ‘surrogate’ families for young people who face rejection from their biological families for their gender expression, identities, and sexual orientation. This wasn’t just playing ‘dress up’.
The documentary, set in the late 80s, also showed how these young people would deal with issues like racism, poverty, homophobia, extreme violence and AIDS.
Most of them were disowned by transphobic and homophobic parents, leaving them vulnerable to homelessness and hunger.
Some ball contestants became sex workers to support themselves and others would shoplift clothes and fabrics to wear at the balls, while some saved money for sex reassignment surgery or breast implants.
“Through the one-on-one interview format, the documentary offers insight into the lives and struggles of its subjects and the strength, pride, and humor they display to survive in a "rich, white world."“
It’s a nasty f*cking world. And behind the makeup and the beautiful clothes, the competition and the dancing, there are people trying to exist. Just… exist. Not trying to be millionaires and not trying to have an accomplished business before their 40s. Instead, they’re doing the most difficult task of their whole lives: Survive.
And that meant so much to me.
Not only did i immediately understand what my friend Daniel went through, but i was met with the pain of millions of people that just weren’t allowed to be themselves.
And it totally made me see trans people as the most courageous and strong human beings to ever exist in this planet.
Not only did this documentary helped me understand things better, it helped me to find a bit of my self expression, even as someone who didn’t go through half of what these people went through. For me, it might be a never ending search for self expression, but a rewatch of this masterpiece sure helps me a lot. Finding your true self expression is not an easy task, but seeing people doing so, even with all the adversities they face, is f*cking fantastic. And it makes me so proud of belonging to the human race sometimes. It really does.
I was unstoppable once i realized that there’s nothing wrong with being yourself.
Everyone should be celebrated every day for finding your voice or even trying to, in this filthy world full of rage and hate, trying to push you back. And if you’re ever planning on writing to change something ( in you or in others), you surely need a moment like this.
If you’re ever afraid to write something, just do it. If you’re afraid of giving light to a certain subject, that’s a motive to start writing. Please do it. You might change the life of a 16 year old out there.
I left Catholic School a short while after i watched this movie. My notebook of short stories and poems was locked in a cabinet with a big, metallic lock, along with a bunch of other stuff considered ‘sinful’. I demanded of them to give it back to me and left. It’s forever engraved in my mind as a life changing moment for me. I needed to leave that place to find myself, because there were people who weren’t afraid of self expression out there, who didn’t stop opening their hearts in such an oppressive country and such an oppressive world. And damn, i needed to start writing again.
Daniel, i hope you’re free, well and happy wherever you are.
“This is a film that is important for anyone to see, whether they're gay or not. It's about how we're all influenced by the media; how we strive to meet the demands of the media by trying to look like Vogue models or by owning a big car. And it's about survival. It's about people who have a lot of prejudices against them and who have learned to survive with wit, dignity and energy.”
Jennie Livingston
* All images were taken from the “Paris Is Burning” documentary - 1990
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I love Paris is burning and I LOVE this piece of writing <3 I also watched it in a context of feeling like a beloved friend was sharing part of their world with me, and you captured that so beautifully
i love paris is burning so much! have you seen tongues untied?